In case you haven’t figured this out for yourself, I have stubborn kids. Crazy stubborn kids. And one of them tends to fall on the extreme side of the bossy scale as well (payback, my mom claims, from when I was his age). Pit stubborn against bossy and nobody wins. Lots of screaming. Crying. Teasing. You get the point.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my boys and their strong will, but these personality traits mean I find myself picking my battles (and theirs). A lot. If the average person faces 10 battles a day, our family reaches that point before everyone is out of bed.
So lately, I’ve been trying to put out fires by letting Big in on my secret. Sometimes I just agree with Little—even when he’s wrong—because it’s not worth a fight. (Of course I do this with Big too, but he hasn’t figured that out yet.) In order to agree with someone who’s wrong, you often have to tell an itty-bitty white lie or give your opponent the “W” in a power struggle. (Yes, I watch too many sports shows with Lenny.)
It goes something like this…
Little: “This straw is orange!” Well, it’s quite obviously green, but ok.
Me: “Oh really?”
Little: “YES! It. Is. Orange!” Does it matter if it’s orange or green? Not to me.
Me: “Yep, that’s great.”
Big: “NO. It’s. Not! Mommy, you know it’s green.”
Me: (whispering) “I know, but it’s not really important, so we’ll just let him think he’s right, ok?”
Big: (suddenly feeling like he’s in on a scheme) “Yeah, Little. It is orange. You’re right!”
Little: (with a satisfied grin) “I’m right!”
Or like this…
Little: “We see a big black dog at the park today, Mommy!”
Big: “No we didn’t!”
Little: “Yes we did!”
Me: “Big, this is Little’s turn to tell me his story. It’s what he remembers from his day out. I’d love to hear what you saw next.”
It all seemed harmless until I noticed Big leading the charge. Then it went a little something like this…
Little: (running in the house crying) “I hurt my elbow. Look, there is a bruise.” (Yes, he speaks like Lenny types, with no contractions.)
Big: (winking at me) “Let’s see. Oh yeah, I see the bruise.” (whispering aside) “There’s no bruise, I’m just telling him there is.”
Hmm. I’m not sure what to think about that response. It’s empathetic. I guess. But it’s dishonest. So where’s the line? So far the instances I’ve seen aren’t anything I’m too concerned about. But now that Big knows, not only what a white lie is, but that I use them on a daily basis, what’s to stop him from adopting my (perhaps questionable) approach? At least I only use my superpower for peace and goodwill (well, that’s how I rationalize it). Hopefully he will too.
Do you tell your kids white lies? (Heck, practically every holiday comes with one.) Have they caught on? Do they tell some of their own?
Photo from Flickr by Cinderellas-Grama.
Jennifer Probst says
April 26, 2011 at 5:22 pmThis is a great post. Yes, I do tell white lies because it seems easier sometimes to move things along and not watch my child have a complete breakdown! I think little things are ok, but we have to watch the bigger things and take the heat. My son is SO stubborn if I wasn’t flexible with some issues I would be having my own breakdown! We got through that stage and he’s so much better. Thanks for sharing! Will retweet.
Amy, Using Our Words says
April 26, 2011 at 8:12 pmThanks so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences. Sounds like we have the same approach. A little white lie is worth a little sanity. Appreciate you sharing it too!
CameSawShopped says
April 26, 2011 at 6:00 pmOh, that is really sweet but, it sounds exausting! I have a story that
is quite the opposite. I had a neighbor that called on the phone, alot. So, when the phone rang for the 20th time that day, I told my little guy to tell her that I wasn’t home. So, my little guy answers the phone and says in his best big boy voice “MY MOM TOLD ME TO
TELL YOU THAT SHE ISN’T HOME!!
Oh, the webs we weave!
Amy, Using Our Words says
April 26, 2011 at 8:18 pmI love it! I guess at some point it will come back to bite me too.
Jodie says
April 26, 2011 at 9:49 pmYeah… I’ve tried this with Finn but he’s too excited to spill the beans and/or be “right” so he never plays along with my sinister plans to appease Seamus… 😉
Amy, Using Our Words says
April 27, 2011 at 9:10 amThere are definitely times we have that problem too. Good to know we’re not alone!
Vanessa says
April 27, 2011 at 9:59 amI think you’re also teaching Big something else that is important and good: not to burst someone else’s bubble. You know how it is…Our friend takes us to her favorite cafe and is raving about the great times she’s had here, the quality of the handmade pasta that’s oh-so devine. Our sandwich tastes like shoe leather and yet we simply smile and say that we like it here too.
No need to bring someone down each time we, correctly, don’t agree with their blatantly obvious incorrect opinion or assessment.
Amy, Using Our Words says
April 27, 2011 at 3:50 pmI love it!
linda says
April 27, 2011 at 12:49 pmWell, knowing Big as someone who always wants to share every true detail of his day, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. This won’t backfire!!
Amy, Using Our Words says
April 27, 2011 at 3:51 pmYou make a good point, Linda. Big does have his all-too-honest moments too. And Little even comes in to tell me every time he does something wrong (“I just hit Big”). I’m sure that won’t last though.