When I was pregnant and highly emotional (unlike how I’m totally level headed now), I saw a commercial that had me up in arms. It compared the risk of a very pregnant woman carelessly getting tossed off a mechanical bull to not breastfeeding exclusively for the first six months. Don’t get me wrong, I love some good hyperbole to make a point—especially in an ad concept—but this was just plain insulting rather than insightful.
For months I’ve stewed…trying to wrap my head around the perfect self-righteous response. Because—get ready for it—I don’t breastfeed. Don’t, can’t, it’s all the same when people’s smiles turn into awkward questioning looks as you pull out the bottle, toss in some formula and start shake-shake-shaking.
I figured I’d rehash my heart-wrenching story of feeding Big from a syringe so he wouldn’t grow attached to a silicon nipple instead of a piece of pumped-raw flesh. Or talk about the fact that Little landed in the NICU at 10 days old thanks to my inability to deliver those glorious antibodies. Or maybe I’d discuss the 13 nurses and lactation consultants who told me that since I made colostrum—and Pink seemed to be thriving at 26-hours old—that this time would be different. (But…was I sure I hadn’t had a breast reduction along the way? After all, there must be some explanation for my dysfunctional ducts and, at a glance, that seemed like a reasonable question.)
I stewed. Because that’s what I do. Heck, I’m a human crockpot.
Then, a couple weeks ago, I was at the park and I got knocked right off of my high horse (which, luckily, isn’t nearly as dangerous when you’re not pregnant). Because, while I truly am pro-breastfeeding (nurse on, I say, nurse on!), I found myself a little bit horrified by a woman who was doing just that.
It wasn’t the public feeding that caught me off guard. It was her unabashed toplessness, especially in light of the fact that her baby was nowhere within feeding range. Of course it was nothing I hadn’t seen before (though these suckers—yes, pun intended—were straight out of a very R-rated movie). But, honestly, it wasn’t something my little boys had seen before. (Not because we’re especially modest (have I mentioned we only have one bathroom?!…and, yes, I did attempt to nurse in front of them), but let’s just say no nurse ever thought my problem stemmed from augmentation surgery.) And while there’s nothing sexual about breastfeeding, little boys who are learning about private parts know certain things tend to be covered for a reason. When they’re not, they take notice (and enjoy announcing it).
At first glance, I laughed. Out loud. Honestly, seeing a topless woman at the park is kinda funny—it was just so out of context. Next, I realized how lucky I was that Big had started kindergarten that week. Lastly, I quickly looked around to be sure Little wasn’t seeing what I was. Knowing him, there was no telling how he’d respond. (Especially because when he sees men running/swimming/gardening without shirts on, he points and yells, “He’s naked!”)
I considered going over to her and asking if she’d heard of the wonderfully fashionable “Hooter Hider”. Then I realized that when it comes to nursing—or not nursing—people really should do what makes them comfortable. Even if it makes other people a little uncomfortable.
So, my apologies to those of you who see me making a bottle of formula and blush. I’m just doing what I’ve gotta do to help my baby thrive.
I had challenges with my first and my
Girlfriend gave me some great insight.
She said when she looked at her 8 yr old and
His friends playing, It just does not matter whether or not
They were breast feed as babies. All that matters is
That they are happy and healthy children.
It helped put things into perspective for me.
It’s so true. Happy and healthy kids are what we’re all trying to raise. And the great news is there are so many paths to the same end result!
I love this post. We had to feed Bird with a syringe too…that’s why we’ve called him Bird since he was 2 days old. It was just like feeding a baby bird. I did have breast reduction surgery and tried to nurse. It was horrific in so many ways. The second time around the lactation nurse reviewed my file and encouraged me to bottle feed so I’d have a better bonding experience with my baby and prevent my son from rapidly losing weight like my first son did. I endured many rude comments, evil eyes, and unsolicited comments along the way. We all have and make our own choices. Such is the beauty of life. Gratuitous toplessness with no baby in sight, not so much.
Now I love Bird’s nickname even more. And I love your lactation consultant too. Good for her for realizing that when breastfeeding is not working, it works against the very bond people are encouraging you to create. Thanks for sharing your experience!
So, there’s a lively discussion going on on my Facebook page and I wanted to touch on a couple key points.
First of all, I wrote this because I feel like my voice—the voice of someone who quite literally cannot breastfeed—is underrepresented. With each baby I’ve had different doctors, nurses and lactation consultants say that they’ve never seen a case like mine (no swelling during pregnancy, no milk “coming in”, no nothing other than an itty bit of watery fluid at the bottom of a bottle after 30 mins of pumping). But as I’ve spoken to other women, I find that I’m truly not alone. We don’t not nurse because it’s inconvenient. We know that breast is best. We try. (Or, we really can’t due to medical issues that require dangerous medications, etc.)
In my case, the first time I tried so hard I almost went insane…and Big lost a pound—and was literally starving—within a couple days. I also found motherhood to be far more difficult than rewarding. Once I gave up, I saw the world and my baby through a new light (though I did continue to beat myself up for it). The second time I planned ahead…they said it could be different. And for some people it is. So, if you had trouble once, I still encourage you to give it a try the next time around. For me it wasn’t. And the third time it wasn’t either.
I’ve had a range of reactions from friends, strangers and people in the medical field. One hospital/practice made me feel completely insane and inadequate. (In fact, in the Breastfeeding class I took when I was pregnant, the local guru said the *only* reason nursing wouldn’t work was a bad latch. I went to her a couple times and found that she was very dismissive…didn’t seem to really have any answers, so she blamed my doctor and said some of the placenta must have been left behind impacting my hormones.) I decided not to go back there and found a doctor that was creative in his approach and another hospital with a supportive lactation team. By the third baby the lead lactation consultant was practically my roommate because she found my experience—and willingness to continue trying—so unusual. She even called me a couple weeks after I’d left the hospital to check in and say if I ever figured out the problem to let her know because she wanted to be informed for future cases.
The bottom line is, we’re all doing everything we possibly can to raise happy, healthy children. So let’s all raise a boob—or a bottle—and toast moms everywhere who are doing their best (even if it is topless).
yes, it is easy for us to be judgy mcjudgersons… especially about nursing and everything else on top (and all around) of that… thanks for the reminder to keep ourselves in check – we don’t know others’ circumstances… we should try to stay positive… 🙂 (aaaaand repeat mantra EVERY day!) 😉
Surprisingly hard, isn’t it? Well, for me at least!
Meant to comment on this earlier. I saw that ad a few months ago and I had a similar reaction. Feeling like people might be judging you when you have to shake-shake-shake is the worst (even if it might be more in your head than a real concern of the observer). If you’re someone who really wanted to bf but couldn’t as much as you wanted to (or someone who couldn’t bf at all), in your head you think “You don’t know me. Don’t think i haven’t been trying my a$$ off.” I wonder sometimes if it’s moms subconsciously judging themselves or being too hard on themselves regarding something they couldn’t really control? I have to say it makes me feel not so alone to hear that there are a decent number of people out there with supply issues – I used to feel like it was only me. Similar to you, I tried really hard (took every herbal supplement possible (goat’s rue – ugh!) , ate all the lactation-supporting foods, saw different lactation consultants) and pumped for a ridiculously long time given how little I was producing. My doctor was surprised I tried for so long with such underwhelming results. I just wish there was a clear explanation for the root cause. Would help my overachieving self rationalize it better. Stay strong, my friend!
Emily, you make such a great point. No doubt plenty of people took a bite of something sour, had to sneeze or remembered they’d left their straightening iron plugged in and I took it to mean they thought I was a bad mom. We are all so hard on ourselves…if only we could pat ourselves on the back instead kick ourselves in the butt.
This time around, I really don’t think twice about pulling about a bottle in public. Ok, maybe twice, but not three times. I know I really, really did do everything I could and that’s what matters. I alsbo try to focus on the wonderful positives. Pink has been on a feeding schedule since week one…she always gets the same amount and it doesn’t matter what I eat. Lenny can help with feedings (though I try to do all of the feedings because I feel like that’s my ‘job’) and, should I want to attend something like BlogHer, I don’t have to haul a pump around. It’s not all bad. But I still wish I could. Glad you know you’re in good company!
Hi Amy, I don’t really have anything insightful to say other than I loved this post!
I think that’s extremely insightful. But that could just be me. Thanks!
Great post…if you’d had your kids someplace else I think you’d have had a *very* different experience, by the way–people here get way too Super Mommy about nursing. In retrospect I actually wish I had nursed less–I would have slept more, been less resentful of the physical demands on me and enjoyed more of my time with my babies when they were little…speaking of which, I’d have enjoyed more of my time at Happy Hour, too.
Cheers to that!
Amy – this post was so great. i’d love to start a dialogue on our facebook page – would that be ok? if so, i’ll mention it to our team member who manages it to see what she thinks. i too could not breastfeed and let me tell you, it took a lot of therapy to get past it! i still twinge a bit when i see someone breastfeeding effortlessly – knowing that it was so incredibly painful and impossible for me. i agree so wholeheartedly with one of your readers who said that a happy mama is more important and sometimes that means finding other ways to feed our babies. your kids are just perfect and so is mine – so i know that we have done right by them. warmly, leslie
Thanks, Leslie. I would love for you to share this and start a dialogue with your fans. I look forward to hearing what people have to say!