Let’s Hear it for the CHOs!

Unfortunately I’m suffering from a major flare up of carpal tunnel, and I’m trying to take it easy with the typing this week. So…in order to save my hand and entertain you, I’ve posted a piece I wrote for Purex a couple months ago. I’m guessing many of you can relate. Please share anything I missed in the comments!

 

Job Description: Chief Household Officer

Location: Home based, frequent local travel required

Seeking a fun-loving, hard-working individual who can master a laundry list—which just so happens to include laundry—of skills and expectations and thrive on little-to-no sleep. This leader will run a team of direct reports (i.e. children and/or spouse/ex-spouse/pets), as well as a vast dotted-line workforce (i.e. pediatrician, teachers, in laws, coaches, babysitters, other part/full-time work, billing departments, alarm clocks, etc.).

 

Roles and responsibilities include, but are not limited to:

• Turning helpless creatures into respectable citizens

• Kissing—and wiping—faces, noses, butts and feet

• Reading minds, as well as the same board book, all day long

• Remembering preferences, schedules, lunch boxes and a sense of self

• Maintaining a sanitary—and sane—environment

• Ability to juggle many tasks at once and shift gears without warning

• Balancing budgets, grocery bags and bikes/scooters/gymnasts

• Teaching sleep, nutrition, manners, letters, numbers, sports, music, values, interpersonal skills, driving, a sense of humor and common sense

• Partnering, compromising and other funny business with other executive team member

 

Minimum qualifications:

• None

 

Preferred qualifications:

• Advanced degrees in education, economics, psychology, medicine, communications and culinary arts

 

Compensation/benefits include:

• Heart-bursting moments of pride

• Unlimited affection (in the form of hugs, kisses, cuddles and head butts)

• Wide range of laughs, including the coveted belly kind

• Fresh perspective on life

• The good kind of baby smell

• Dance partners

 

No need to apply. The job is all yours, so enjoy it. Really, really enjoy it.