As a mom, it’s my job to teach my kids to persevere. To work hard, overcome challenges, and learn a few things about themselves along the way.
It all sounds good, until something isn’t. And quitting comes into question.
That happened twice in our house this past week, so it’s been a doozy.
The first was Big and baseball camp. My little boy adores baseball. Not only does he adore it, he feels like he’s pretty good at it (and he is). He spends a good portion of his day throwing and catching balls, as well as running around the house/sprinklers/lawn imagining bases. Any excuse to throw on baseball pants is a good one, in his mind. Add a good buddy into the mix, and I was sure we’d have magic.
But it wasn’t. I can’t put my finger on one thing that caused the stress. It was a bunch of factors, really — being around kids as old as 18, the competitive approach of the camp, the long hours, some peer difficulties, etc. — but every day he said he didn’t want to go back. Each day we talked through things, worked it out, and he said he’d give it one more try. Each day I felt horrible sending him off knowing he wasn’t excited about it. I questioned whether I should have just let him stay home. He’s six. This was supposed to be about loving baseball, not learning a life lesson.
But he went. And I know he had fun along the way. I know he loved being in the middle of the action getting dirty and playing his favorite game. I also know he had some shining moments. And in the end, I asked if he was glad he kept going back and made it through the week. He quickly answered yes. He said he felt good about accomplishing something that was hard for him. And he’s wanted to play baseball every day since — so I know it didn’t ruin his love for the sport, which was my biggest fear along the way.
Was not quitting the right choice? I don’t know. But I do know everything turned out just fine and it gave me the chance to talk to him and teach him some coping skills. So that has to be worth something.
As for the second quitter of the week, well, that’s me. Sort of. I’ve been taking Pink to physical therapy for a couple months now (for her gross motor delay) and it’s pure torture. Sitting on the mats playing games with the therapists (as they gently manipulate her legs into the right positions to pull up, stand up, etc.) turns my normally fun-loving baby girl into an angry crying maniac. Though they’ve assured me it’s frustration and not pain, watching it is agonizing.
While she does tend to come home and immediately do something that shows a tiny bit of progress, I can’t help but wonder if this is worth it. The frustration, the tears, the heartache, the financial burden… If she hates doing the things we practice there because of the negative association, is going to therapy defeating the purpose? On the one hand, I feel like I’ve learned enough to work with her and coach her through the next short while (at least) on my own. On the other hand, the last thing I want to do is take away a much-needed support system for helping her get to the other side.
Of course I’ll be talking to her doctors about this, but I can’t help but continue to ask myself, “Is it ok to quit?” (And silently hope that the answer is, “Yes, yes it is.”)
Have you ever been in this position as a parent? Do you think it’s ok to let your kid quit something that’s hard once they’ve committed to it?
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You read my mind! We’ve been dealing with the same thing with our 4 year old. Our once fearless child has suddenly developed fear of doing things she used to love. She has been doing karate for a year but recently started to freak out when it came time to get on the mat. This went on for a couple weeks and we finally decided to pull her out completely. I couldn’t take watching her get so upset. This week she started ballet camp and immediately began the crying and the fear. We are pushing her to keep doing it since we know how much she loved taking ballet this past year. But, I admit this is a hard lesson to work through. Letting her quit both would be easy, but I know she won’t learn to work through the anxiety if we don’t encourage her.
Good luck! It sounds like you’re managing it well, but it sure isn’t easy. Stay strong!
Sometimes “quitting” must be regarded as just cutting back. Too many times kids are on overload from over scheduling, taking them out of their comfort zone. Even if they like something (Big and baseball), doesn’t mean they’ll quit liking it if the instruction portion of that ‘like” turns them off. Case in point…My youngest took piano lessons for over 10 years. He loved it and was quite good at it. Then one day in high school, he announced (in tears) that he was done with lessons and wanted to move on. As much as I wanted him to continue well beyond the age that I had stopped, and as much as I feared he would never play again, I understood and allowed it. I had been there once. My son concentrated on his many other interests and took a few years off from the keyboard. To my surprise, he took it back up on his own with vigor and now plays almost daily, at parties, with friends, when he’s home. He just needed that break.
Great points. I know I was the same way about certain sports when I was growing up. I’ll be sure to take the kids’ lead along the way.
Unfortunately the doctor says PT isn’t optional. I guess I just need to figure out where to get a thicker skin. (Sigh)
I’m also having a hard timing trying to figure out how to balance keeping up the good fight (e.g., to do homework) and just letting it go (e.g., because fighting for 3 hours is not fun)… at what point, also, does it damage OUR relationship but at the same time, do I just have to keep on keepin’ on because the kid is only in 1st grade and will have homework for a number of years to come… (sigh). Let me know when you figure it all out, okay? 😉
Great points. My mom had good insight on the homework thing (see below).
There are times when you have to decide for your child despite all the experts! I used to tell myself that my child’s teacher was with him for a year while I will be with him for his lifetime (both before and after that teacher is a distant memory). I imagine there were times when I was wrong but who knew or cared about him more than Me! I can tell you my son always knew I wanted him to succeed and that I was there for him!!! Having taught in the school’s for 23 years, esp. with special ed kids, I often told parents that I believed, as a parent, kids who really struggle need a break more than the rest! In the early years, homework was a nightmare so the teachers often said to give one hour to the task. More than that can be damaging to the child and parent relationship and harmony in the home which is very important, too! I thought that was good advise.
Absolutely! Thank you for sharing your experience.