The Frazzed Five: A Musical

As I’ve mentioned, Pink is doing a whole lot of singing around here lately. It’s pretty much constant. And while I don’t understand much of what she says, I do appreciate her passion.

It got me thinking, how cool would it be if our story—a day in the life of the Heinz family—was made into a musical? I mean, I can’t sing to save my life, but of course I wouldn’t actually play myself (at this point my people are talking to Tina Fey’s people, though Little is pushing for Katy Perry).

Of course, this show is just in the concept stage, so please, feel free to leave me some creative notes. (Though chances are, I’ll go all diva on your ass and do whatever I damn well please. Just ask Lenny whose only song suggestion was I Wanna Sex You Up. We’ll have to see about that, though I’m bizarrely flattered that that was his first thought.)

Ok, picture this…

THE FRAZZED FIVE: A MUSICAL
Inspired by real events.

[Opening Scene] Pure darkness. All we see is a clock that reads 5:42am.

Music: Wide Awake
Performed by Big

[Scene] Crying, pleas for milk, toast burning, lunch boxes filling. Soon it will be breakfast time.

Music: I Wanna Cookie As Big As My Head
Performed by Little (aka Black Skittle, the chocolatarian)

[Scene] Socks flying, shoes missing, clock ticking. Big’s bus leaves in 3 minutes.

Music: Fast Car
Performed by Lenny

[Scene] Young boy in knee-high navy blue socks, red and grey shorts, and a yellow and black long-sleeved shirt spends five minutes doing his hair (because, obviously, he cares deeply about his appearance), and is off to preschool.

Music: ABC
Performed by Little and his classmates

[Scene] Mom and daughter (who happens to be wearing three tutus) are off to bond at gymnastics. Baby girl smiles, sings, and twirls, but refuses to do anything remotely gymnastical. 

Music: Jump Around
Performed by Mom

[Scene] Baby, worn out from being so darn adorable (because her level of activity obviously wasn’t a contributing factor), finally goes down for a nap. Mom opens computer to work, but screen seems to be constantly updating with pictures of kittens and babies, quotes about wine, and complaints about Yahoo!’s new no-WFH policy.

Music: That’s What Friends Are For
Performed by Chorus/Mom’s Social Network

[Scene] Boys come home from school. FX: Explosions, crashing, screams.

Music: Mashup of Scream and Shout and Let it All Out, Meltdown, and Patience
Performed by Mom and Kids

[Scene] Fed, rested, and ready to bounce (basketballs, that is), Mom and Kids head outside to play.

Music: Good Day Sunshine
Performed by Mom

[Scene] Mom and Kids load into the minivan for what appears to be an exciting outing. That’s right, it’s baseball practice!

Music: Pop Fly
Performed by Big

[Scene] Mom and Kids return home, hungry and ready for dinner.

Music: Mashup of I Wanna Cookie As Big As My Head (Reprise), I Want Candy and I Need a Hero
Performed by Kids and Mom

[Scene] Lenny walks in, the crowd goes wild. (This time it’s the good kind of wild.)

Music: Red Solo Cup
Performed by Mom
*Creative note: While there may be a more fitting song, I cannot allow UB40 to play any part in my musical. Taylor Swift, on the other hand, will be worked in here somewhere. As will Pink singing the Bieb’s Baby. I promise. Work in progress, people. Work in progress.

[Scene] Family in various states of dress singing and dancing, to include a Black Skittle break dancing solo.

Music: Party in the U.S.A.
Performed by Pink

[Scene] Parents put kids to bed. Mom double/triple/quadruple checks that all have used the bathroom.

Music: Wake Me Up Before You Go, Go
Performed by Mom

[Scene] Suddenly a feeling of peace settles in. Mom goes to check on the sleeping kids.

Music: Mashup of Sweet Child O’ Mine and Favorite Things
Performed by Mom

[Closing Scene] TBD. Lenny’s proposal is still under consideration.

 

So, what do you think? No, really. I mean, I know it needs work. But come on. Tony material? Really? No. Yeah? Wow.

It’s your turn in the spotlight. What songs would be in your family’s musical?