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Slice-of-life stories about parenthood

When Hollywood Came A-Knockin’ … And Went A-Runnin’

When Hollywood Came A-Knockin’ … And Went A-Runnin’

March 20, 2013 by Amy, Using Our Words 14 Comments

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A couple weeks ago, I got an email from a lovely casting director. She found me through my blog (which, apparently, is the new way to get discovered), and was hoping to have my boys audition for a new (still secret) TV show that will be taping in San Francisco. (I’m guessing she was inspired by my Broadway musical.) I know my boys though, so I laughed. But then I realized that they’ve really been wanting to be on TV, so maybe I should actually give the audition a go.

I should back up. You see, way back in November, a producer for World News with Diane Sawyer called me and wanted to profile our family in a Christmas shopping story. (Oh the power of a blog and Jenny Lee‘s awesome photograph on my Facebook page!) We had multiple, in-depth calls. Scheduled a date. Which, of course, called for new haircuts and wardrobe. Only to have the date postponed due to something more important in the world than our family’s holiday shopping. (Hard to believe, I know.) Then, come mid-December, the Newtown crisis took place, and the producer said he wouldn’t be making it out here after all. While I certainly understood, the kids have been asking when they’re going to be on TV ever since.

Who was I to deny them their precious 15 minutes?

So, I scheduled the audition for 4:30pm on a Friday. If you have kids, you know what 4:30pm on a Friday looks like. Not my smartest move. I also didn’t really explain that it was an audition (I told them this woman would be interviewing them because her company wanted to know what little boys think about a topic), because if they didn’t get on TV, I didn’t want them to be doubly disappointed. Flawed logic? Yes. But, again, this was 4:30pm on a Friday.

I got my stage mom game face on, forced (and I mean forced) the boys out of their sweat pants and into jeans and TV friendly solids, and strapped them in the car. Their agent Pink came along for the ride too.

About 25 minutes into our 20-minute drive, this is was the scene:

drive

 

An uptight mom, a passed out leading man, and bumper-to-bumper traffic. How Hollywood, right?

We rushed and rushed to get there just in the nick of time — only to discover that things were running behind. (Way behind in 3-kids-on-a-Friday-afternoon time.) We spent the next half hour making friends in the lobby and seeing how close we could come to falling into the koi pond. (Close, it turns out. Very close.)

koi

Then she spotted us. No doubt she was thinking she’d struck casting gold seeing this adorable threesome. But I’m afraid it takes more than a good first impression, my friends.

We headed into the suite where she’d be doing the on-camera interviews and she playfully started by asking the boys to draw pictures — you know, to break the ice. (She was one smart cookie.) Well, you can imagine who was most interested in this activity. Yes, Pink. She worked her way in, grabbed all the paper and emptied the crayons.

drawing

As the boys finally worked around their sister, they pointed out that someone took a bite out of the blue — Pink’s signature move. You have no idea the relief that washed over me when the casting gal confirmed that someone at a previous audition had indeed done that. (One win for the day, at least.)

The first artist to announce that he had no idea what he had scribbled drawn (and certainly didn’t complete the assignment)? Little. He took to the “stage” and got ready to wow her.

little

Known for his dramatic flare and imagination, Little decided to play the role serious. As he finally warmed up, and was getting into a groove, Big started randomly wandering around the room. Since Little was on camera, we couldn’t talk, so he mouthed, “I have to go pee!”

I found a door, opened it, and to my surprise, it wasn’t a bathroom. It was the casting director’s bedroom filled with all her personal belongings. But we’d gone this far, so I just sent him into her bathroom too. A minute later, the sound of a flush filled the room (and the mic, no doubt) and he returned. About 30 seconds later, he popped up again and mouthed, “Poop!” to me. He ran back in her room and came back a couple minutes later (I’m afraid I can’t confirm that I heard a flush this time) — feeling a bit lighter and ready for his turn.

As I apologized profusely for Big’s use of her personal space, I noticed a dirty diaper scent filling the room. At the same time, Little started yanking on my leg saying he had to go to the bathroom too. She patiently directed us to the public restroom in the lobby. At this point, I couldn’t help but think that, in spite of things, I was actually keeping my cool. Until I realized that I looked like this:

frazzled

We ran back upstairs to find Big really engaged in his interview and having a great time. For about two minutes. Then, it looked a bit more like this:

big

And sounded a bit more like, “Nack! Nack! Noooo! Up n dow, up n dow!” Yes, Pink was trying to steal the spotlight. Again.

Once Big was all done, we started packing up our stuff to head home. As we did, I apologized to the casting agent (who fortunately had a good sense of humor about it all) — again — for us going in her room and bathroom. Then she told me a bit more about the show and next steps. While she didn’t say it, say it, I’m pretty sure she was about to bust out with, “Don’t call us, we’ll call you.”

But she didn’t get the chance. Because Little shouted out — right at that very moment, “It smells like someone farted in here. Because I did!”

It’s crazy, we haven’t heard a thing. Maybe we will. Probably we won’t. But either way, I’m totally blaming the boys’ agent, Pink, for going in with far too many demands.

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Filed Under: featured, Mom Musings Tagged With: audition, Hollywood, interview, TV, TV show

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Comments

  1. Jodie Hoffman says

    March 20, 2013 at 2:20 pm

    Where can I stand in line for autographs?!?!?! And Finn & Seamus are totally up for filling in spots in the boys’ entourage!

    Love that you did this- I hope it pans out and your kids and buying you a vacation home in Aruba!

    Also- if they’re looking for an on-camera nose-picker, send them Finn’s way because that’s totally what he did during his big scene during the school play- we’re crossing our fingers it makes the for-sale-DVD edition!!!

    Keep us posted on the results- go team H!!!

    Reply
    • Amy, Using Our Words says

      March 20, 2013 at 2:38 pm

      Oh, if there were a role for nose picking, my boys would have rocked the audition. How could I have missed that detail? And let’s be real, even if they’re cast, it’s not going to send us to Aruba. But a day off of school’s gotta count for something, right?

      Reply
  2. Lisa - Hannemaniacs says

    March 20, 2013 at 3:12 pm

    Sounds about right…. Except my Little would have been climbing and jumping all over everything.

    She probably wasn’t shocked and they might have been some of the best kids. Can you imagine what a children’s casting director sees every day?!?!

    Reply
    • Amy, Using Our Words says

      March 20, 2013 at 3:21 pm

      Honestly, it hurts me to imagine. Though I got the feeling that she might not work exclusively with kids…

      Reply
  3. Kim says

    March 20, 2013 at 8:45 pm

    I love the selfie of you from the bathroom because that’s the kind of look I rock often without realizing it. I took my younger boy to an audition once and it was a miserable experience. It’s always good to know you tried to get them their Big Break.

    Reply
    • Amy says

      March 21, 2013 at 9:15 pm

      I’m guessing our boys’ big breaks will happen…they just won’t be in Hollywood. It’s good to know I’m not the only mom who fell into this trap!

      Reply
  4. Anne says

    March 21, 2013 at 1:31 pm

    I’m cracking up at my desk reading this. The picture of you with the jacked up hair is KILLING ME!
    I miss you!

    Reply
    • Amy says

      March 21, 2013 at 9:15 pm

      I miss you too! Sounds like things are going really well for you. Love it!

      Reply
  5. Brian Nelson says

    March 22, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    I’m still in shock about your ambitions to be a stage mom, in addition to soccer, baseball and basketball mom!

    Reply
    • Amy says

      March 24, 2013 at 1:46 pm

      What can I say? I’m an overachiever. (I mean you should have seen me at the basketball game today…)

      Reply
  6. From the Kitchen of Mama Harris says

    June 25, 2013 at 7:37 pm

    Oh Amy, this is hilarious! Haha!

    Reply
    • Amy, Using Our Words says

      June 25, 2013 at 7:40 pm

      Having gone through the casting interview too (albeit with a true superstar), I’m glad you enjoyed it!

      Reply

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  1. My 3 Wishes says:
    June 27, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    […] My last wish is that you’ll tell one friend about Using Our Words. Share a post that made you laugh, cry, or feel a bit more like it’s normal to have your kid shouting inappropriate things in […]

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    June 27, 2014 at 11:34 am

    […] wish is that you’ll tell one friend (or 12) about Using Our Words. Share a post that made you laugh, cry, or feel a bit more like it’s normal to have your kid shouting inappropriate things in the […]

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