I mean, it’s not like I’m a social media addict. But if I were, and I live tweeted my day, it might look a little something like this. Yes, my friends, this is my version of #motherhoodunfiltered.
You. Guys. It’s *way* too early. Go back 2 bed. #itsstilldarkoutside
Great, now u woke ur sister up. #iusebadgrammarat5am
It’s ur brother’s turn 2 pick the cartoon. #notheotherbrother
I know, I know. You’re far too grown up for cartoons now. I meant “show”. #pleasedontpickKickinIt
Ooh, good pick. I’ll stay & cuddle w/someone. Anyone. #teamAustinandAlly
Don’t worry, I wasn’t watching anyway. No, really, I wasn’t. Yeah, I’ll get u some milk. #anothergallongone
Ok, u can put the lid on the sippy cup all by yourself. #spillnumberone
Sure, u can sit in my lap. #allthatmilkaintlight
Stop fighting. You can *both* sit in my lap. After all, I have 2 legs. #andvaricoseveins
Oops, have 2 go pack ur lunches. #andmakebreakfast #nolapforyou #noteendramaforme #butidogetatoddlerhelper #notsohelpful
Ok. That’s enough #QuickPitch boys. TV off. Now. #noreallyturnitoff #now #NOW
1 raisin bread- butter, no crust. 1 raisin bread- butter, w/crust. 1 raisin bread- no butter, tops cut off. #gotit #shortordercook
Sit down. In the middle of your chair. Yes. Now stay there. #formorethan5seconds
Ok, go brush ur teeth, comb ur hair & get dressed. #likewithtoothpasteandacomb
Well, I don’t know where ur shoes are either. #ourhouseisnotthatbig #butyourshoesare
Come on, guys. U should be ready by now. Almost time 2 leave 4 the bus. #andwevebeenupforandhourandahalf
Nice! Love how u found a way to incorporate every single color of the rainbow into ur outfit again. #andpulledyoursocksuptoyourcrotch
Ok, grab ur lunch boxes, pack up ur backpacks & go 2 #Daddy’s car. He’s taking you to the bus again. #stillinmyjammies
Wait! #Pink’s going 2 the bus stop w/u. #withthreedollsafootballandamajorcaseofbedhead
Exhale.
#damnforgotsunscreen
Guess I should do the breakfast dishes now. #orcheckFacebook #andInstagram #Twittertoo
Hi cutie. How was the bus stop? #howmanypeoplegavedetanglingtipstoday
Doing my exercises now. Wanna play w/ur dolls? #pleasesayyes #mamaneedstoburnoffherchardonnay
Well #Pink, sorry I’m not sweating as much as u think I should be while u watch from the couch. #towelplease #andoxygen #andamuzzle
I know u <3 ur babies sooooo much, sweetheart. They <3 u 2. #andsodoesyournotsosweatymama
Ok, I’m gonna hop in the shower. #showerfortwo #notthesexykind
What?! No! Don’t wear a diff outfit 2 school than u wore 2 the bus this am. Pls. Pls. Pls. #fashionista #laundrywhore
Detangler. Comb. Tears. Chase. #repeat
Ok, let’s get going now. Your teachers r waiting for u. #ofcoursetheylllikeyourdress #andsparklyshoes
This button right here. Good job, door’s open. Hop in. #justlikethat #haveyoureadmyminivanmanifesto
They can still c u behind my leg. Why don’t u show #MsTeacher ur shoes? #theyremoreexpensivethanmine
Ok, c u in a bit. I <3 u sooooo much! #dontcry #oriwilltoo #andiputonmakeuptoday
I’ll just check a couple emails. Work on a post or 2. #orcheckFacebook #andInstagram #Twittertoo
Wait, how is it pick-up time already? #stillhaventdonethosebreakfastdishes #ormyhair
Hi, sweetheart. I missed u 2. No way! Tell me more. #ohmyheart #thisgirl
Sure u can have 12 different things that don’t make any sense together 4 lunch. #whatbabywantsbabygets
Wow #Pink, u just talked for 45 mins straight. My stomach muscles r sore. #notfromworkingout #didntsweatenuf #fromlaughing #thisgirl
Nap time. Good night, sleep tight, God bless u. #yesillleavethelighton #andthedooropen
Wonder if her dolls <3 her monologuing in there as much as I do. #doubtit #babydolljustgotatimeout
Now I’ll get to those emails. And posts. #orcheckFacebook #andInstagram #Twittertoo
Wait, it’s *what* time?! #stillhaventdonethosebreakfastdishes #orlunchdishes #ormyhair
Sweetie, time 2 get up 2 go get ur brothers. #thatwaseasy #bedheadround2 #screwit #wewillbetwinsies
Who are all these moms in cute outfits w/makeup & hair done? #nofriendsofmine #shouldhavegonethruthecarpoolline
#pleasedontbecrying #pleasedontbecrying #pleasedontbecrying
Hi, #Little! #smiling #exhale
Hug. #yesplease #kindergartenistough #thisboy
A boy was doing *what* on the playground? Why?! #pleasetellmehesnotyourfriend #mamahaskindergartenfearstoo
Hi, #Big! How was your day? #notayesornoquestion #fineisnotanacceptableanswer #thisboy
Wow, 5th grade homework in 3rd grade? Your teacher does sound tough. #goodluckwiththatkid #imnotsmarterthana5thgrader #ora3rdgrader
Sure, I’ll turn up the music so I can’t ask u any more questions abt ur fine day. #whyugottabesorude #shakeitoff #shakeitoff
Move over Taylor, my girl’s got pipes. #andpersonality #andunrulyblondhair
Snacks. More milk. Breakfast dishes. Lunch dishes. Snack refills. Snack dishes. #littlekidsbigappetites #littlekidsbigmesses #spillnumbertwo
Fine w/me if u boys go tackle each other senseless. #thankgoodnessforbrothers #moregigglesthantears #usually
#tears
Why don’t we go play soccer or baseball outside? #andbyweimeanyou #illblowbubbles
Kicks. Giggles. Pop flies. Giggles. Bubbles. Giggles. Slides. Giggles. Hose. Giggles. #Pinkswateringcanisoverflowing #andsoismyheart
Heading in 2 make dinner. Clean up & come inside in a few. #nuggetswillbewaiting #theyreorganic #notreally
I don’t know when Daddy’s coming home 2nite. Around dinnertime. #repeat #againandagain #andagain
Yay! He’s home. #magic
Tell him what that kid did. And that u were smiling @ pickup. And how ur day was fine. And how ur teacher <3ed ur shoes. #recaptime
Sit! In your chair. With your butt in the middle. Pushed in to the table. Yes, like that. #noreallysitdown
What was 1 funny thing that happened 2 u today? #bodilyfunctionsareoffthetableatthetable #notreally
Seriously. Sit down & stay there. #doineedtostrapyoutoyourchair
What was 1 thing that upset you today? #notincludingme
My job here is done. #foodonplates #convoinfullforce #withasideoflaughter #andwineforme
Shower time. Yep, u can get in together. Keep the water in the tub! #dirtbegone #droughtbegone
You. Guys. Why is the bathroom floor soaking wet?! Out. Now. #everytime #whowillwintheblamegame
Get back in, #Big. Still have soap in ur hair. #everytime #thereisnowaythisisyourbrothersfault
Inhale. #lovethesmellofcleancuddles
It’s ur brother’s turn 2 pick the cartoon. #notheotherbrother
I know, I know. You’re far too grown up for cartoons now. I meant “show”. #pleasedontpickKickinIt
No, no, *no*! #hepickedKickinIt #wouldratherdothedinnerdishes
Storytime, #Pink. #OnMyWaytoBed again? Sure! #whatbabywantsbabygets
Songs. Yes, you can sing this one. All by yourself. #heartmelting #twinkletwinklelittlestar #howiwonderwhatyouare
You are funny. You are smart. You are kind. You are important. And ur Mommy & Daddy <3 u soooo much! #soverytrue
Good night, sleep tight, God bless you. #yesillleavethelighton #andthedooropen #wider #wiiiider
Your turn boys. #nottoobigtocuddle #yet #buttheyreadtomenow
Superhero sheets. Missing teeth. Multiplying freckles. Tired eyes. Racing minds. So big, yet so little. And they’re all mine. #fornow
Their words. My pride. Their backs. My scratches. Their fears. My kisses. #missionaccomplished #peace
Owwww! You. Guys. How many times do I have 2 tell u 2 clean up when ur done playing?! #steppedonaLego
Good night, sleep tight, God bless you. Daddy & I <3 u soooo much. #soverytrue #evenifmyfootisswellinguprightnow
What #Pink? No, nobody’s going to come in ur room 2nite. Yes, because we put a sign on ur door. #postitnotesscarebadguys
Now I’ll get 2 those emails. And posts. #orwatchSYTYCD #andScandal
What’s the matter, #Little? #sureillcomelieinbedwithyou #whatdidwedobeforeDVRs
Finally. Asleep. #lovewatchingthemdream #littleangelsonearth
But my mind’s still racing. #longdaysshortyears #patienceisavirtue #nojoke #doingourbest
Tomorrow will be different. #notreally #hopenotatleast #thatsonethingilearnedtoday
Join the conversation. Share honest moments from your day—whether they’re funny, not-so-funny (yet), heartwarming, crazed, etc—on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter too. Tag them #motherhoodunfiltered.
I LOVED THIS. This is my life. I may or may not have gone to the gym two days in a row and did not wash my hair before pickup today. Shiloh can’t sit in his chair to SAVE HIS EVERLOVING LIFE. Elsie regularly sleeps on the floor in “the brudders’ room.” And no joke, I got a bloody toe kicking a Lego yesterday.
Ha, it’s amazing what parallel lives we’re leading. Maybe we should just stick our kids together in a room and see what happens. I’m guessing it would be pretty darn entertaining…
This might be one of my favorite blog posts ever. And not just because of On My Way to Bed! HILARIOUS! And sooooooooo my life!
Thanks so much, Sarah! Love that I can make one outrageously funny lady laugh!